I know the healthy thing is to move on.  I just can’t.

It’s tough finding yourself unable to move along, especially when telling people to move along is what you do.  I’ve made a career of encouraging, pushing and pulling people to their feet.  Long ago, I learned that the world doesn’t stop for me and have staggered upright loss after disappointing loss.  There’s nothing else to do, and I have admonished others to do as I have done time and again, but sometimes the failures come to me.

Having made many missteps, I accepted my vulnerabilities long ago.  Not that I mentioned them to anyone.  Honestly, it took a while before I was able to accept that I was, at least, part of the problem in my problems.  In a former time, I believed more in my righteousness than today.  Still, you can’t look back.  Sins and situations aside, we can’t remain in the past.

I’ve been wronged.  So have you.  The fact that we are parts of difficulties does not mean we have sole culpability in matters.  Time marches on and follow we must.  It would have been easier with an apology.

When people ask how I am, I say, “Fine.”  I am suspicious of those who are always great and weary of those who whine.  While I consider myself happy most of the time, life is a bitter sweet experience for me and probably for you, too.  We don’t have to be giggling all the time to have joy.

The ghosts of my past haunt me.  And they are not friendly ghosts.  They come late at night in the quiet and dark.  Confession and contrition provide some refuge but not lasting abodes.  I grieve over things I can’t change.  

There are positives to the pensive.  For one, reflection can lead to a more serious view of life and the passage of time.  I count days now.  They have become exceedingly precious.  I always thought I was thoughtful, but it’s different now.  I’ve been beat up a time or two.

My prayer life has improved.  I considered it to be relatively good for most of my life, but it was nothing like it is now.  The hurting has helped me to the Healer.  In many ways, I’ve come to enjoy the dark.  I embrace sleepless nights as opportunities to reach out to the Divine.  And He has never failed to come to me.  My heartaches are opportunities to deepen the spiritual life.

David said he went astray before affliction.  I’d have to say I’ve done the same.  Today, I have a better view of God’s workings in my life and the pitfalls I could have avoided if only I’d been more careful.  I understand now what I could not foresee.

God uses the joys and pains of life to mold us into vessels fit for His purposes.  I have a hard time remaking messes, but nothing is impossible with God.  Though I despair at depravity without and within, I find great comfort in our Father’s heavenly embrace.  The lonely times make me more appreciative of the everlasting arms.

There being a difference between head and heart knowledge, I know now what I didn’t know then.  Struggles have brought things home to me which I could have learned no other ways. 

No matter our ages, we are not fully formed.  God is making us.  In time, we become something beautiful, something good.

Sterl